Why is my son so defiant

Some useful responses for your young child might be:. Please stop. Stop now or you will need to sit by yourself. This can also be a good time to teach your child some calming techniques that can help them regain control.

Showing a young child how to stop, count, and breathe involves explaining to your child when she is calm how to stop herself in her tracks by physically sitting down, closing her eyes and slowly breathing in and out, all the while counting to ten, however many times it takes for the crisis to pass. Practicing this regularly with your child can allow her to have a tool ready when the crisis hits.

Note however, that for some kids this will not work, in which case you will need to move to the next step. Many times when children are defiant, they want everyone around them to experience their pain as well. The important thing is to not let them pull you into their momentary misery. For some kids, upping the ante and getting everyone in the family involved in their personal drama is extremely satisfying for them and serves to reinforce future outbursts. Secure a safe spot for him to go when outbursts occur and guide him there.

Some things to say include:. Can you calm down so we can talk? Try to consistently reinforce them, all the while pointing out that they are ultimately in charge of their behavior. In the moment when the behavior is happening, you can let him know there will be a consequence of some kind. Then, after things have calmed down, you can follow up and implement an appropriate one.

Even though your child may rage and yell in the moment, ultimately this provides him with a sense of security. This may not necessarily stop his defiance at this point in his development, but it will prevent it from growing into a more severe problem as he gets older. This is easy to do when your child rarely seems happy, is often irritable, and has unrelenting behavior.

As hard as it is though, try to be mindful of the here and now and what your child needs from you in this moment. Parenting a defiant child is likely one of the most difficult tasks any parent will face. Actively search out examples on a daily or weekly basis that confirm not the worst in your child, but the best.

It can come in the form of them putting away their dishes on their own or not arguing with you or blaming others. Thank you. A final point to keep in mind is that children with these personality traits may not be the easiest to live with while they are at home, but it is exactly these types of kids who can grow up and change the world.

Everyone agrees that a calm, sweet child is easy to raise, but those traits, while admirable, may not be the ones that stop injustice, forge new ways of thinking, or uncover the unfairness and inequity of the world we live in. That idea of not giving up, so annoying now, can propel our children to greatness as adults. When you combine firm, loving, consistent boundaries together to form a parenting style in which to deal with your defiant young child, you are laying the groundwork towards helping them take responsibility for their temperament while also honoring who they are as a person.

This gives you both the opportunity to be the best that you can be, now and in the future. Subscribe to the Empowering Parents Podcast via Stitcher. Subscribe to the Empowering Parents Podcast via iTunes.

Joan Simeo Munson earned her Ph. She has worked with incarcerated individuals, families, adolescents, and college students in a variety of settings, including county and city jails, community mental health centers, university counseling centers, and hospitals. She also has a background in individual, group, and couples counseling. Munson lives in Colorado with her husband and three energetic children.

She currently has a private practice in Boulder where she sees adults, couples and adolescents. You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free! I wanted to say to the author of this article thank you so much for what you said. I do feel he is a change maker I know most people probably say that about their children Thank you for showing me how these personality traits can grow into an amazing adult and do great things. By reminding me of the amazing things that are possible with his personality I appreciate the article.

I'm struggling to figure out what is going on with my eight yo and HOW I can help him. He IS a sweet boy. However, lately, when it is time to sleep, he has has shown some defiance. We have a bedtime routine in place. Lately, he runs around and away from us, leaves his bed constantly, runs around like he wants to play.

It's clear he is tired. He starts his bedtime routine at He's been avoiding his sleep time and not sleeping till 10 to We just don't know what to do. He will only sleep if we stay with him. He also wakes up in the middle of the night and comes in our room. Any suggestions? Thank you! Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. Our main focus is children over the age of 5 because they have usually have developed enough that our concepts will work with them.

We have a few articles about younger children you may find helpful,. Just so simple and clear, just what I needed to read to help guide me with parenting my defiant young boy. Thank you, I found your report to be just what I needed to read after a tough week and finally realising that defiance is a core component of my current struggle with parenting my 4 year old.

Loved this article and could relate on many levels. Definitely helped me decipher between what we can work with as parents and signs for something bigger. You have given me a great sense of hope and that we're on the right path with some great advice. I have a 6 year old son with ODD who has a great dificult playing rule games.

He doesnt like loosing and ends up yealing and loosing control. He also takes every situation personaly, as if it was done to him on purpose. For example when there is not yogurt or any kind of thing he would like to have. I try to explain him this are things that happen to everyone, not just him, and to try to look for a solution, like having something else to drink. But it doesnt seem to work. He had a great trouble goong to school. Teachers told me he wants to do something else than coping with activities.

What can I do about it? He says he is the worst student and cant learn. He has very little or none self esteem. That makes me feel pity for him. We live in Argentina and I love your articles. They helped me and my husband. Our child startes visiting a therapist. I have a 4 year old granddaughter who is very defiant. She won't mind her mother to do the simple things such as spit when she is brushing her teeth.

She come home from school all excited and she just jump and jump up and down, run through the house, flips on the bed, and hug everyone. He has been arrested several times for multiple reasons. Has been in failed relationships multiple times, one has resulted in a child. He does not take care of his child financially or emotionally.

Is now in a relationship with a young woman that has a 6 year old child who is severely ADHD. His mother ignores him and his needs most of the time. Me and my husband are at our wits end because neither of them will use their money wisely to get a place to stay.

Most days of my life I am miserable. So is my husband. I am sorry for you,your husband, and your son. I feel blessed that we were able to afford medication and some therapy. I have a friend that has five children three are grown and married. Sometimes I am at my wits end but then I remember there are people out there with a worse situation.

Good luck to you. I wanted to tell you I throughly agree that if a child will truly benefit from the meds they should be taking them. From the teacher stand point of which I substitute teach I also do not think my child should disrupt or keep other children from learning. I got on here to read again about ODD , I am going through this for a second time.

I have a 24 yr old and 14 yr old. He is a supervisor at Walmart and pays his own bills. But now I am going through it again with the 14 year old he is on the max meds and it is like he never took them most days, I had to come refresh my parenting skills on how to handle the impulsive defiant often rude and hateful behavior. The constant mouth farting, shaking his booty in my face, burping, whistling and constant talking was wearing on my last nerve.

I told him this morning we were either doing yoga or Thai chi together because one of needs to be centered at least. It is not an accurate descriptor for an ADHD kid who acts up a lot. The casual use of the term ODD is both inappropriate and disturbing. I have involved three psychologists and two paediatricians in treatment for my son, not to mention several health and support services.. Our lives have been a nightmare with him. We have tried Ritalin, concerta, strattera, vyvanse, neurofeedback and everything else I could find out about in terms of diet etc.

I have read so many books. None of these helped much and often made the situation much worse. The approach with consequences just escalated the situation dramatically, for example we took away his internet access for three days as a consequence for bad behaviour so he got a steel bar off my exercise equipment and smashed our two computer screens with it. His dad and I have been under the glare of criticism from so many people we no longer have any friends over.

He has attacked me numerous times, severely, and destroyed our property and property at the school. It has cost us thousands of dollars. We have had to call the police three times, the last one really humiliating as he tried to strangle me in the street and the neighbours got involved. The only person who has provided any useful advice in all of this is a lady from the disability services in the next state. Her specialty is dealing with severely mentally disabled patients.

She gave me a different approach. She said to ditch the consequences and work with the problems causing the behaviour. What I want to know is why are we still pushing the consequences line, when she told me it was discounted two decades ago in her field?

Our experience is that it makes the situation far far worse, and there is never any improvement in behaviour no matter how long we persisted with it. I agree about pushing consequences. Kids with these challenges need to learn the skills to cope with their intense emotional lives. Three things have helped. The biggest blessing in that area was the book, The Explosive Child. I wish you all the best! I cannot tell you how much just reading about this helped me! We are raising an 11 year old grandson — after I finished being stepmom to his mother and her 4 sisters.

We have many incidents as described- he has been on meds for a few years and had been pretty stable until this year — puberty and middle school!!! Growing several inches in 1 year! Now temper tantrums are dangerous to people and our things — even the things he values.

Recently put him on my insurance to get him better counseling And better variety of meds. Ps We are not alone although we frequently feel like it! A suggestion I got from my daughters doctor was to make them sit down and write sentences for whatever they have done wrong. It has to be very specific. For example they said they hated you or they hit their sibling. They would have to write I will not say the word hate or I will not hit my sibling.

The doctor I saw told me that taking away things can make the situation worse. It makes a child angry and my daughter would act out worse.

Looking back, I had ODD from a young age. I never got angry or lost my temper. Rather, I just did not understand all the social nonsense. It made no sense, and I did not understand what I was supposed to do. So I just did what I thought was reasonable. Of course, there is a whole bunch of people who get insulted if you do not do what they say, or what they thought they said, or if you are soooo rude as to not think like they do.

Many people seem to think that if I am different, that I am really saying that they are wrong and I am right and …. They do not understand that not everyone is the same.

I think they are the ones with psych problems and a fragile self worth. Strangely, I work occasionally with an army officer. No problems at all between us. She is very direct and explicit. What a facinating comment — thanks! It would be wonderful if more people identifying with ODD behaviour spoke out, hopefully giving reflective insight, or at least a different perspective, to help bridge the gap for us poor saps on the other end of the line! And we are unaware? My 13yo daughter is a mild case compared to many stories here, but recalcitrant enough to cause plenty of stress.

If the mood is right we can really talk about stuff — but am I asking the right questions, saying the right things? It would be great if there were teachers out there! But do not be so polite that no-one knows what you are trying to say. An example — Homework has to be done. Not negotiable. Avoid ordering the student to do it. Instead, ask them what it is about. This gives them a chance to talk about it, say they have no idea, have a rant about its stupidity.

Return to the actual topic, and discuss that. Make suggestions carefully. Maybe suggest they write an outline or a plan of action. This is how I get information out of so-called impossible people, such as introverted technical nerds. I ask them what problems they had to solve to get it working.

Set limits. Grade-schoolers need — and even want — limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Spell it out: "No screen time without permission" or "You must come in when I call you the first time.

If your youngster has problems abiding by the rules as every child does , work on solutions. Talk the situation out and try to get to the bottom of your child's defiance. Maybe he balks at doing his homework because math is giving him trouble.

In that case, perhaps an online math game or a few math sessions with an older sibling will help. Or maybe he doesn't like to come in when you call him because he doesn't get enough free time outside. Once he knows that you're working with him to solve the problem, he's likely to tone down the defiance. Reinforce good behavior. Though you may be sorely tempted to give your grade-schooler a verbal lashing when he defies you, hold your tongue. Instead, try to catch your child acting appropriately and encourage him to continue.

Remember, disciplining your grade-schooler doesn't mean controlling him — it means teaching him to control himself. Punishment might incite him to behave, but only because he's afraid not to. It's best for your child to do the right thing because he wants to — because it makes the day more fun for him or makes him feel good. Still, let your child know that when he breaks a rule, there will be consequences.

Be specific and logical rather than punitive: "If you play with the soccer ball in the house, we'll have to keep it in the garage. Use time-outs — positively.

When your grade-schooler's about to blow his top because he isn't getting his way, help him cool off. Rather than a punitive time-out "Go to your room! Maybe your child would even like to design a "calm-down place" for himself — with a big pillow, a soft blanket, and a few favorite books. If he refuses to go, offer to go with him to read or talk. If he still refuses, go yourself — just to chill out. Not only will you set a good example, but you also might get a much-needed break.

Once you both feel calmer, that's the time to talk about appropriate behavior. Empower your grade-schooler. Try to provide opportunities for your youngster to strut some of his cherished independence. Let him choose his own clothes as long as they're reasonably clean and free of holes and stains.